Hello again. I have some time before I gotta head out for my one class today so here I am blogging.. with nothing really important to say. I love Thursdays. Anyway, I have this big essay I have to write tonight and tomorrow and possibly some of Saturday. I was supposed to write an outline for it last night but I got the bright idea of smoking a J after I got home from a long day at school. I was still pretty blown after I got out of the shower so yeah.. in short, I got nothing done. Had the best sleep of my life though LOL.

Last night I realized that I'm never gonna be able to do this again.. or at least hardly ever. Come home, blaze on my balcony, take a shower, and stumble around the house high as fuck making myself sandwiches and such. I came to fully appreciate the freedom and level of comfort I had here. There are pros and cons of leaving this place and moving back home. More pros than cons now I believe, but still... I'm gonna miss it. One con is that I'm gonna have to worry about going home, even if it can be at an unreasonable hour. Just the fact that I have to worry at all is a bitch. It really makes a difference on my night. Goodbye raves :'( I also can't have people over at any hour of the day. Usually if anybody needed a place to crash my doors would be open. And wow did I mention how much I'm going to miss the pool?! Damn. Alright let's talk about the pros now... First of all, HOMECOOKED FOOD. Having food prepared for me whenever I want it. I predict some weight gain. Secondly, I'm gonna be near all my friends again and seeing them is just a phonecall away. Of course there are some obvious disadvantages of living far from school but honestly, I was ready for a change. I had the feeling it was about time to get on out of here and move forward, even if it does seem like I'm going back.. I think all the signs are pointing me home. If it does turn out to be a mistake I can always come back out again or move to South Africa (seriously).

It's that time again. Midterms and essays and stress. I really feel like I've been slacking off.. or maybe I'm getting used to college and I'm just cruisin'... or maybe I really have been slacking off. Fuck, I don't know. This semester's weird. Except for sociology, all my classes are a bust. I guess CSULB failed me this one time. Next semester will be better, I hope...

The death of my friend's dad made me realize there are more important things in life than school and work and success. I'm battling emotions I've never faced before.

Ultimately I know that prestige or riches won't mean a thing. In the end I'll look in the mirror and smile in remembrance of all the love my life has held.

I'm about to plunge into hours and hours of reading John Stuart Mill. It's physically, emotionally, and mentally painful to put myself through this but I'm hoping it'll all be worth it. I mean, when would I ever read the work of political theorists if I wasn't in school? I'm just trying to be optimistic I suppose. "The roots of education are bitter but the fruit is sweet." Yeah, yeah...

I'm not gonna lie, I get angry sometimes thinking about the disparities God creates among people. Talent, intellect, ability.. He obviously favors some of us more than others. Don't get me wrong, I know He loves me and the only reason I get can get angry at all is because I believe. I know He's out there and running the whole show, so I'm left here wondering what He's decided my part will be. I'm starting to realize ambition can be a burden. All I can do is try my best, make the most of what I'm given, and leave the rest to Him. It's enough to drive me crazy, but I have to trust and accept that I'll end up where I'm meant to be.

It's such a trip looking at old pictures and remembering what your life was like back then... A part of growing up is learning how to say goodbye. I admit I've been having a hard time but I'm going to try to be a lot stronger.